Trump Nixes Run for N.Y. Governor, Fears Negative Comparison with Intelligent Human Opponent

ALBANY, N.Y. – Donald Trump took to the Twitterverse this week to announce that he would not be running for governor of New York, citing his fear of “competing against an actual human being for public office.”

Perhaps this is a wise move for Trump, who, along with Republican candidate Rob Astorino, trailed incumbent governor Andrew Cuomo by 40 percentage points in a recent poll.

“I won’t be running for governor of New York State, a race I would have won only if my opponent had been a lifeless, mindless creature without the ability to craft coherent thoughts,” said Trump on Twitter.

Trump reportedly became interested in running against Governor Cuomo after GOP officials attempted to persuade him to throw his hat in the ring. The GOP members believed Trump’s name recognition and wealth would present a worthy challenge to Cuomo, who will seek re-election in November.

“I was under the impression that my money could win over the New York electorate,” Trump added. “Unfortunately, I realized I would have had to actually work for this one and show people that I’m a more capable candidate than Cuomo, who, much to my chagrin, has some semblance of intelligence.”

Trump said his ideal political adversary would be an animal, a chair, or even a human being, provided they were without a pulse, heartbeat, or ability to speak. “Although, even a mute would strike the fear of God into me,” Trump tweeted.

Trump also suggested a pile of cold, green cash as a reasonable opponent come November. “I’ve always done well handling currency.”

Despite withdrawing his name for political contention in New York, Trump did not rule out the prospect of running for office in other states.

“I’ll be sure to choose wisely,” he said. “Where did Palin win the election? Alaska? Maybe I’ll give that a shot.”