TSA to Put Knife Ban on Hold for Now, Bans on Killer Animals Still Lifted

WASHINGTON — The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has temporarily backpedaled on its decision to allow small knives on airlines, a decision which had come under much scrutiny in recent days.

However, the TSA has also adamantly refused to issue any hold on the transportation of potentially hazardous animals in the cabin of commercial airlines, which includes fearsome predators such as tigers and bears.

“Who would ever try to hijack a plane with a tiger? A tiger can’t fly a plane,” said Captain Sebastian Sigmon, the head of LaGuardia Airport’s security forces. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. There is absolutely no danger whatsoever in bringing a fully grown tiger into a passenger aircraft’s cabin. Now, a pocketknife? That’s cause for concern.”

The changes, which were announced last month, would have allowed knives up to 2.36 inches or shorter and carnivorous animals up to three hundred pounds, to be brought into the cabins of commercial airlines without any questions asked. The TSA has stood by its guns, and has been criticized by governmental organizations and airlines alike.

“Freeing up these TSA agents so they can begin looking for actual threats is priority number one,” said TSA chief John Pistole in a statement. “We can’t keep confiscating every pocket knife or grizzly bear we come across. We simply don’t have the manpower, the holding space, or enough reserves of raw meat to feed the animals. This is for the best.”

“The 9/11 hijackers had reportedly used box cutters and pocket knives to perform their heinous deeds,” said George Taylor, head of the air marshal unit of the Federal Law Enforcement Officers Association, or FLEOA. “This ban is only encouraging imitators, if not full out copycats. It’s as if we didn’t learn anything from September 11. I’m fairly certain that even a rookie air marshal can stop a rampaging black bear, however. A lion, if properly trained, poses no threat to an airline passenger.”

“Now, a lion with a pocketknife? God help us all.” Taylor ended the interview with Newslo short, making the sign of the cross and leaving the room, his eyes glossy and his face pale with fear.

For now, knives remain banned from the cabins of all commercial planes.