U.K. Cigarette Companies Vote to Ban Doctors for Anyone Born after 2000

LONDON – A group of British cigarette companies have voted to ban doctors from providing care to anyone born after 2000.

In a press release on behalf of the cigarette sellers, British American Tobacco CEO Nicandro Durante wrote that “Doctors tell us how to live our lives, but they don’t know any better than we do.” He went on to say, “For example, milk – first its good for us, then its bad for us? What’s up with that?”

Though the press release makes no mention of it, this can only be seen as a reaction to the British Medical Association’s vote to push for a ban on the sale of cigarettes for anyone born after 2000. “Smoking is not a rational, informed choice of adulthood,” said Tim Crocker-Buque, the man who proposed the motion. Critics within the organization warned that such a vote would lead to ridicule of the profession.

Durante’s press release seems to do just that by jabbing, poking, and prodding at the profession’s weak spots. “Remember that statistic that thousands of doctors are practicing despite errors and misconduct? At least we fire people who make mistakes at our companies.” The press release goes on to say that they “know that cigarettes are dangerous… no shit, Doc… but they’re no more dangerous than getting prescribed highly-addictive painkillers for the most minor of surgeries… or going under the knife with only a 5 percent chance of surviving.”

The British Medical Association have yet to release a written rebuttal to the ban from cigarette companies, but one anonymous association member told Newslo that “Their ban means nothing… it’s not law, and for that matter, neither is our vote. It’s all just a big pissing contest, if you ask me.”