U.S. Army Seeks to End Rape Crisis by Enlisting Ugly Women

WASHINGTON – The United States Army has begun widespread efforts to recruit and enlist less attractive women, according to a leaked memo. The Army hopes that the policy change—which was approved by Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno—will help PR efforts, as well as end the epidemic of sexual assault that has plagued the Armed Forces in recent years.

The anonymous memo, leaked earlier this week, argues that “homely women are victims of rape far less often that their beautiful, curvaceous peers, and are therefore more suitable for service in the machismo-dominated Army, where ‘boys will be boys.’”

“It comes down to this,” the memo summarizes. “Men will be less likely to rape their females colleagues if they look like men themselves.”

According to a recent Pentagon report, military rapes occur up to 70 times per day, or three times an hour. Legislation is currently being debated in Congress that would change how sexual assaults are investigated and prosecuted by the military, but Army officials believe that more dramatic action is needed.

Bill Hayek, a spokesperson for the Army, admitted that the memo was genuine and said that the Army is sticking with its new recruiting tactics. “Look,” Hayek said. “We’ve tried really hard to stop this whole rape thing, and nothing has worked. Instead, we’ll just take away the temptation to rape by exclusively deploying ugly chicks.”

Hayed described the method by which the Army has been targeting less attractive women for recruitment. “We’ve begun stationing our recruiters at McDonald’s and Walmart instead of local high schools, and so far it’s been doing the trick,” Hayek said. “Not only can you find really ugly women there, but they tend to be poor and desperate as well, so they’re generally eager to join.”

The Army also hopes that “fattening up” its ranks with less-attractive women will help its recruitment process in the long run. An internal Army email, penned by Col. Lynette Arnhart, argues that only average-looking women should be featured in Army photographs meant to tells stories about service women. “In general, ugly women are perceived as competent while pretty women are perceived as having used their looks to get ahead,” Arnhart wrote.

“The Army will continue to be the rape capitol of America unless it gets significantly less sexy,” said Hayek. “And, ironically, it will help us look better along the way.”