PEARL HARBOR — The U.S. Navy has put the finishing touches on its first ever warship-mounted Laser Weapons System (LaWS), paving the way for the future usage of directed energy weapons in combat situations and for the eventual construction of a Death Star.
“We’re all really excited to start building our very own Death Star,” said Rear Adm. Matthew Klunder, chief of Naval research. “The laser beam was the last thing we needed, so now that that’s all set, we’re good to go.”
The LaWS is estimated to cost just over $1 per shot, while a single shot from a traditional, short-range missile can set the miltary back nearly $1,000,000–a fact that, understandably, leads many to believe that the laser weapon is the future of national defense. That enthusiasm, however, has not completely spilled over to the Navy’s Death Star project.
“The latest estimate from the Navy puts the cost of a single Death Star at just over $8.7 trillion dollars,” said Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA). “I’m all for a strong military, but damn!”
The White House today acknowledged the high costs of the Navy’s plan, but was careful to avoid alienating the millions of Star Wars fans who are undoubtedly paying attention to the issue of military spending for the first time since President Ronald Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative, a.k.a. “Star Wars.”
“With threats from North Korea and other nations lingering in the air, a technological breakthrough of this magnitude cannot be ignored,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “However, at the moment it is unclear where the funding for a fully-functional Death Star would be found without, say, eliminating Medicare, Social Security, The Post Office, Food Stamps, the FBI, and NPR. And we all know what happens whenever anyone tries to cancel Big Bird.”
Others are pointing out that because the only use for the Death Star in the Star Wars films was to destroy entire planets, creating our own Death Star may not be entirely feasible.
“We’ve only got the one Earth,” said Paul Shawcross, head of the White House’s Science and Space Branch. “Why would we ever build something that exists solely to blow it up? What good is having a doctrine like mutually assured destruction when you incinerate everyone on the damn planet?”
Not to be deterred, Adm. Samuel Locklear, commander of U.S. Pacific Command, took to Capitol Hill to meet with congressional representatives and lobby for the Death Star. “It’s not about blowing up the planet,” he told reporters. “It’s about deterring others from blowing up the planet. Look, we’ve got the deadly laser beam, that genie’s out of the bottle. A Death Star is the next logical step.
“If we don’t build one, you know sure as heck the Russians will, or China, or that Kim Jong Un psycho,” he added. “America can not fall victim to a Death Star gap.”
