WASHINGTON – Recently displaced by Mexico as the world’s fattest developed country, the U.S. is banking on the return of the Twinkie cake-like food product to reclaim its rightful place as the most obese nation on the face of the Earth.
Many experts believe Mexico was able to slip past America for the top spot after a labor dispute at Hostess last November halted production of the alleged snack-cake. “Once Twinkies left the market, Americans began eating healthier snacks,” said Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn. “Not healthy snacks per se, but they certainly weren’t eating something that has the same ingredient as rocket fuel.” Citing patriotic duty, Rayburn green lit the production of Twinkies– “no matter what the cost” – and began restocking the shelves, noting that America must always be number one. “Even if that means being tops in something horrible,” he added.
On Capitol Hill, as the debate over immigration reform raged on in a vain attempt to find a balance between tighter border security and a path to citizenship for those already here illegally, some are hoping that the return of the Twinkie could play a vital role in breaking the stalemate. Testifying before Congress, Hostess spokesman Twinkie the Kid said the return of the iconic sponge-ish baked good should be just the first step towards America protecting its physical and metaphorical turf. “First those beaners take our jobs, now this?” said The Kid, his use of an ethnic slur taking some members of the gallery by surprise. “With the return of my high fat, high carbohydrate treat, and a massive increase in armed border patrol, we can see to it that Mexicans will no longer be stealing our access to laboratory created Frankn-foods, as our Founders intended.”
The Stetson-hatted sentient shortcake then twirled a lasso and said “Yahoo.”
At a Rose Garden press conference, President Obama voiced his gratitude that the Twinkie was back on the open market. “Nothing says America like baseball, liberty, and anytime pastries loaded with saturated fats and made with something called sodium stearoyl lactylate.”
“With the return of the Twinkie,” he concluded, “America will not only be the Greatest Nation on Earth – but also the Greatest Nation in Girth.”