It would appear that the ungrateful infidels in American media outlets have forgotten yours truly. When was the last time you saw my name headlining primetime news? My advisors tell me those heathen presidential candidates barely even mentioned me in the debates! As if there is any more pressing issue in this country than my dangerous proclivity for beige suits, my utter and fear-instilling hatred of ties, and maybe those nukes? Tell me, Hussein! Tell me, Willard! Hast thou forgotten me so soon?
Clearly I have been an inspiration to others, such as Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin, and Steve King, who learned from me that the best way into the hearts of Americans is to shock them with inexplicably heinous, evil public statements. You’re welcome, brethren-in-arms.
Evidently, what I inspired with my tirades and follies at Columbia University years ago has now become standard fare. I must defeat these impostors at their my own game if I am to once again be showered with the love and adoration of the mainstream American media.
So listen up, America: Mahmoud, like sexy, never left! I am still very much a globally important figure and, uh, well now I’m trying to think of something outrageous to say. Like, maybe…
I believe that all liberal women are in collusion with homosexuals to murder all the infants on earth. And I believe that God will strike down Steve King for insulting dogs – the national domestic pet of Iran – by comparing them to immigrants.
Peace, love, and amorality to all!