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Unemployed Facing Separation Anxiety from Politicians

WASHINGTON — With the nation’s unemployment rate holding steady at 7.9% and the prospects of being pandered to dim with no elections on the horizon, the nation’s unemployed have admitted to feeling a sense of separation anxiety from politicians.

“Oh man, back in October, me and [Pennsylvania 12th District Congressman] Keith [Rothfus] went everywhere together”, said Karl Wajoss, an out of work auto mechanic from Sewickley, PA.  “Out on the campaign trail, he was bringing me along and telling folks that people like me were the backbone of this nation.  And he was going to do whatever it took to get us back to work.  Now I never hear from him.”

The father of three, who has been out of work for fifteen months, then added:  “I’d give him a call but my phone’s been shut off for a while now.”

Researchers have been noting that the symptoms of separation anxiety are becoming more and more prevalent since the hotly contested election season concluded last November.  “This is all very common” said University of Nebraska sociologist Dennis Nystrom. “After being told over and over again how the story was all about them, people who had no jobs felt that they had a special relationship with those running for public office. Once those officials got elected and moved on, the transition process can be very difficult for those left behind.”

Nystrom, whose federal grant money dried up in budget cuts last month, said symptoms include difficulty sleeping, spontaneous tantrums, and the fear that something terrible will befall the politicians in question when separated from the unemployed.

“In fact,” Nystrom added, “let me just check in with President Obama again to see if he needs any help finding money for social research,” casually noting that this would be the fifteenth “check in” Nystrom had made this week.

Other members of the unemployed class have resorted to more drastic measures, such as Doris Milbrae, a San Antonio schoolteacher who was laid off in 2011.  Millbrae has camped out in front of Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s office offering “intel” from everything to Benghazi, to rebel activity in Syria to possessing a way to balance the budget. “Just need me again,” said a weeping Milbrae.  “Please!”

“I know everyone was saying the election was about jobs, but perhaps we should have clarified this point” said recently re-elected Congressman Michael Grimm (R-NY).  “Back in the fall, we were very concerned about jobs.  Our own.”

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