New York, N.Y. – Former half-term governor of Alaska Sarah Palin may not be running for office these days, but that doesn’t mean she’s staying out of the spotlight. Palin’s latest crusade puts her in the middle of the battle to protect the heart of Christmas. “We were founded as written in our chapters of liberty, in the documents that created America,” Palin said. “We’re founded on a Judeo-Christian faith that would allow forever the right to express or respect for faith in America.” Palin also told CBN News that her book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, is a rallying cry for Christians to stand up against those who want to keep faith out of the public square.

Apparently, the Union of Alaskan Prostitutes, an organization dedicated to offering physical protection and legal representation to the working girls of Alaska, agrees with its former half-term governor completely. In accordance with their position on the apparent liberal, corporate war on Christmas in America, the Union has decided to offer a 50% discount to all Republicans as a way of supporting their fight against the destruction of the holiest of Christian holidays. “We thought long and hard about what we could do to help out in the fight against war on Christmas, and since we’ve always been a proactive organization, we came up with this idea on one of our monthly meetings,” Sheila Plumpbottom, the Union’s spokeswoman and former employee, told CBN News.

Plumpbottom also argued that “offering money or other monetary or physical forms of contribution” would not represent an honest mix between the spirit of giving that is Christmas and the Union’s own business, which is why they decided to help out in their own, unique way. “Part of the reason why we went with this type of solution was the fact that there’s a lot of stress going on in today’s world, especially with the technology that’s alienating people and pornography that’s changing everything,” the spokeswoman said, adding that since the premiere of the Apple iPhone in 2007, the Union has recorded a massive decrease in business, which led them to the conclusion that “more and more people have started masturbating at home and watching porn on their smartphones. They couldn’t be bothered anymore to go out and pick up a working girl like they did in the old days,” she deduced.

That’s why the Union has decided to re-brand and offer a special discount coupon to all those interested in hiring their services and supporting Republican politicians’ war on Christmas-haters. “All they have to do is use the coupon with the words ‘whore-on-xmas’ and they’ll pay 50% off the regular price. We’re also thinking about other ways to contribute to the cause, but we’d first like to gauge how well this is going,” Plumpbottom added. “Republican politicians are hard-working, traditional, conservative Americans, and such men and women in today’s times are in the minority compared to liberals who tolerate everything and everyone. We simply want to help Republicans relieve all that stress. Our girls are very talented, drop-dead gorgeous and more than willing to take some of the load, if you know what I mean,” the spokeswoman concluded.