Teen Accepted to All Eight Ivy League Schools Picks University of Phoenix

MASTIC BEACH, N.Y. — All eight Ivy League universities waited on pins and needles for Kwasi Enin to decide which of the elite schools he would call his academic home for the next four years. Wednesday, Enin turned the increasingly competitive college admissions process on its head by rejecting all their offers and instead deciding to pursue his degree in physical education online through the University of Phoenix.

The first-generation American from Shirley, N.Y. made his announcement at a packed news conference in his high school gymnasium. “I already won the admissions process,” Enin declared. “After years of studying what it takes to get into an Ivy, I know everything there is to know about schools like Yale. So what’s the point of attending when I can kick back and learn at my own pace online?”

Dismissing the “craziness” of the entire process along with his outstanding SAT scores, Enin insisted that “It’s not all numbers – it’s the person behind the application.”

The open-enrollment admissions policy of the University of Phoenix, which requires only a high school diploma or equivalent, was much more in tune with Enin’s frame of reference. Plus, the flexibility of learning online promised the 17-year-old, who plays the violin, more than enough time to pursue his musical interests and pursue new activities like beer pong.

“I’m very satisfied with my offer,” said Enin. “They’re very generous on their aid.” As for the required coursework, he’ll have already taken 11 Advanced Placement courses by the time he starts in the autumn. “Phoenix said I could just phone in the rest. And that’s the best part—they threw in a free iPhone with my matriculation.”

Yale’s dean of admissions held back tears over Enin’s recent decision, saying he is “not even sure that the college is the right fit for him [Enin], anyway.” Yale reports that only 8 percent of its population is African American, compared to 25 percent at the University of Phoenix. The dean plans on backpacking through Europe over the summer before deciding whether to ask Enin to apply again as a transfer student next year.