Unknown Lobby Hires Unknown Congresswoman

ARLINGTON, Va. — Residents of Southern Missouri are livid at Rep. Jo Ann Emerson’s announcement to leave Congress this week in order to become Chief Lobbyist of the National Rural Electric Cooperative Association, a special interest group whose goals are especially uninteresting. A special election to replace the Representative will cost taxpayers over $1 million – the same amount of money Missourians spend on firearms, per capita. The announcement comes mere weeks after Emerson’s reappointment to the House.

In a press conference, Emerson told reporters, “The government is so wasteful—working there is like shoveling fresh dollar bills into a furnace on a daily basis.”

Emerson explained to reporters that working for Congress had become a humiliation. “It’s such an embarrassing thing to tell people,” she said. “They assume you’re a lazy, incompetent imbecile. But a lobbyist can raise eyebrows at a cocktail party. People no longer think I’m stupid—they think I’m reprehensible and Machiavellian, and they’re a little bit intimidated. It’s a lovely change of pace.”

Emerson also has plans to make up for the cost of her special election. “After all,” she told reporters, “What’s the point of promoting wasteful government spending if you can’t make a few of your pals happy?” She explained that a group of her Alpha Chi Omega sisters from her Ohio Wesleyan University days are interested in starting an electric cooperative.

“They need some funding,” she stated. “You have no idea. They’ve been talking about starting an electric cooperative for years, ever since the Alpha Chi book club went kaput after the whole Eat, Pray, Love debacle. They need this, and I’m so excited that as a lobbyist I can finally channel some taxpayer money into a purpose that serves me—both socially and financially,” she explained. “The Ohio Wesleyan chapter of Alpha Chi is going to have the most magnificently government-endowed business since Halliburton. Sister’s honor.”

When asked if they knew what an electric cooperative was – or is – Emerson’s former sorority sisters told Newslo to relay any questions or concerns to their attorneys.