US Government, ASPCA Beg Americans to Adopt Adorable Debt Burdens

WASHINGTON — Amidst a new wave of controversy over the Federal Government’s ability to pay off its debts, the Treasury Department has issued a suspension of the debt ceiling, and has begun borrowing money to mend the gaps between government spending and revenues.

However, the Treasury department insists that these actions are for a greater good.

“We understand that the country’s debt has already reached unprecedented levels, into the trillions,” said Jack Lew, Secretary of the Treasury, in a statement earlier today. “However, how can you say no to those poor little accumulated piles of debt, which have nowhere else to go but China?”

“You’d have to be heartless to not want to help them in their time of need,” Lew continued. “If we here in the United States don’t do our parts to help rid the world of unneeded debt, then who will? Brazil? Russia? Highly unlikely. The federal budget deficit can take one more for the team.”

In the last four months alone, the US has accumulated $300 billion in debt, adding to the staggering 17 trillion-plus it already owes, but has shown signs of economic recovery.

Partnering with the world renowned American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, the Treasury Department has ordered several commercials to be broadcast on national television, urging regular Americans to adopt some of the Federal Government’s heavy debt burdens as their own.

The commercials, which feature several slow motion panned shots of piles of coins, dollar bills, IOU notices and late payment stubs, accompanied by the “saddest song in existence,” aims to psychologically and physically move viewers to shoulder the burden of several million dollars in debt.

However, now that the Federal Government has essentially adopted a “Share the Debt” program, some Americans are unsure how to respond.

“If I see or hear one more commercial with that sad Sarah McLaughlin song playing in the background, I might just break down crying,” said one Washington native. “I mean, how could you not want to shoulder the responsibility of back crippling debt after seeing that? It’s only the right thing to do.”

The Treasury and Congress have decided to tackle the Debt with a more comprehensive, and delayed, focus on September 2, 2013.

In the time that it took you to read this article, the National Debt has grown approximately 1.6 million dollars. Given the current rate of debt accumulation (about $54,000 per second), from today until September 2, the National Debt will have grown about $500 billion.