WASHINGTON — Responding to the United States’ embarrassing history of providing military aid, only to have it eventually fall into the wrong hands, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced that the U.S. will be supporting Syrian rebels with antique muskets in lieu of the expected AK47s and surface-to-air Stinger missiles.
“As a world force we have to lead by example,” Hagel explained Tuesday in an interview. ““We won our revolution using muskets, so they can too.”
Aware that the nontraditional nature of this plan might receive mixed reviews, Hagel further explained that, considering the present state of the economy and current military procurement levels, muskets were really the most economical option.
“Automatic weapons are the expensive and easy way out. In a real revolution you’ve got to get your hands dirty,” said Hagel. “We’ll provide the guns and the powder, but they’re gonna have to find their own balls if they want to win this war.”
To date, economists and antique arms dealers have praised Hagel’s directive. Historians across the country are also excited to finally possess useful information with the potential for practical application for the first time ever.
“It’s fantastic that muskets are making a comeback,” commented Revolutionary War historian David Wentworth. “We’re proud to donate muskets where they can actually be used to kill again. Our museum has hundreds of them in our storage rooms, and a few of them still even work.”
The first shipment of muskets is slated for April 1st and will be accompanied by Revolutionary War re-enactors, who have volunteered to train the Syrian rebels in both military tactics and “method” acting.
