U.S.

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Exciting Discovery by NASA Rover Revealed to Be More Fucking Space Dust

WASHINGTON — Citizens of the United States have once again gotten their big, stupid hopes up just to have them smashed into tiny pieces by the federally-funded cocktease we call NASA. The space program toyed with the hearts and minds of the country earlier this week by indicating that Mars rover Curiosity had made a revelatory discovery, only to later reveal that they were simply excited about the Curiosity’s expedition in general, just like the rest of us earthbound losers.

“Look, most of us know to keep our excitement in check. We don’t go around talking like a bunch of alien-conspiracy nutcases every time the Curiosity sees its own reflection,” explains high school physics teacher and self-described “NASA fan” Barry Leaventhall. “It’s just that the Internet kept saying this Curiosity discovery was ‘one for the history books,’ and the phrase was batted around so goddamn much that last night I dreamt David Duchovny discovered a hologram of E.T. inside the moon.”

Many devotees of the space program say they feel jerked around by the institution in a way other government agencies cannot rival. Dr. Sadie Wender, a philosophy professor and subscriber to the NASA Twitter feed acknowledges, “I don’t let the Bureau of Transportation Statistics get my hopes up like this. I don’t get all crestfallen when the Appalachian Regional Commission fails to deliver on a project. But every time NASA comes calling, I’m like a goddamn dog that hears his leash jangling by the door. If I went out with a girl that treated me the way NASA did, my friends would totally intervene. But every time you think it’s going to be a silicon-based life form or whatever, there goes NASA, replacing all your childhood dreams of an alien friends with a little frozen water.”

Entire State of Texas Attempts to Run Away

DALLAS — Last week, after numerous threats of secession, thousands of Texans were discovered writing passive-aggressive goodbye notes and filling backpacks with non-perishable food items. Federal officials assure that the runaway secession attempt was successfully thwarted and that the entire state of Texas will remain grounded and unable to leave the union or go on Facebook for an indefinite period of time.

The state of Texas has a proud tradition of running away from home. In fact, the state was conceived from the Republic of Texas, which had seceded from Mexico years earlier. In 1845 Congress granted Texas statehood but the acts of teenage rebellion were far from over. When Texas was just 15 years old, the state attempted to secede again during the Civil War.

When addressing the question of further secession attempts and misbehavior from Texas, Federal officials confess they are not quite sure what to do with the brooding state.

“The United States has a lot to do already without having to worry about one rebellious state,” says Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “We’re in the middle of a war, we’re trying to rebuild our economy. If Texas keeps this crap up we might just give them back to Mexico.”

While the threat of returning to Mexico has been enough to keep Texas passive for the last few days, and current negotiations are underway for the recovery of Facebook privileges, federal officials say they will have their eye on Texas and warn they will not be as lenient next time.