WASHINGTON – The United States Postal Service today announced a new drug-running service that will begin operations in the coming months. The program will transport illicit narcotics throughout the United States and its territories on Saturdays only, and will require an additional service fee per drug-filled package. Administrators hope the extra revenue earned through the new program will keep the financially-jeopardized Postal Service afloat.
“It’s no secret that we’re having some money problems,” said Postmaster General Patrick Donahue. “But most people don’t realize we lost $16 billion last year. We’re facing massive layoffs, post office closures, and truncated delivery schedules. Congress seems unable or unwilling to address our fiscal situation, so we’re taking it into our own hands.”
The plan will use existing Post Office infrastructure to transport shipments of drugs like heroin, methamphetamine, crack cocaine and ecstasy. The Postal Service said it has already made deals with organized crime syndicates and Mexican drug cartels to begin handling large-scale shipments, but that it will be happy to work with smaller, “Mom and Pop slangin’ operations” as well.
Last week, Donahue proposed that the USPS start delivering alcohol to customers’ doorsteps to help address its budget concerns. Currently, mailing alcoholic beverages is restricted by law, but Donahue believes it could help raise $50 million a year. But the Postmaster General says that delivering alcohol won’t solve the Service’s budget crisis alone, and that he “doesn’t want to be a prude about it.”
“If people want to smoke bath salts, who am I to judge?” he said. “Alcohol’s a drug too, you know. It’s ridiculous that one’s legal while the rest are not.”
The new idea originated in a memo written by a low-level employee in a processing plant outside Follansbee, West Virginia. Clyde White told Newslo that he never really thought his superiors would take his idea—which was quickly passed up the chain of command—seriously. “I got a cousin, he runs a meth lab outta his Winnebago. That boy make so much money. I just found myself thinkin’: maybe the Post Office should get into this game. So I wrote that there memo, and low and behold, they actually gonna do it.”
The Postal Service says that no idea for revenue-generation, however unorthodox or extra-legal, can be ignored if it wants to remain a staple of American life. “The transport of illegal drugs is a billion-dollar-a-year industry,” Donahue said. “Whether we like it or not, drugs are out there, being moved from place to place, largely by amateurs shoving them up their butts. Our new service will not only ensure the Postal Service’s continued existence, but will give people peace of mind: if they choose to take drugs, they’ll no longer have to worry about snorting, smoking, or injecting trace amounts of poop clinging to their stash. Our operations will be efficient and clean.”
Some lawmakers have criticized the plan. “This is yet another instance of Big Government sucking business away from the private sector,” Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) said. “Think of all the drug mules that will lose their jobs because of this. These are hard-working, salt-of-the-earth Americans who take great risks to provide for their families—and we’re just going to toss them aside? Only in Obama’s America.”