Utah Court’s Pro-Polygamy Ruling Driving Santorum to Anal Sex

GREAT FALLS, Va. — In response to a federal judge’s decision to strike down part of a Utah law banning polygamy, Republican Rick Santorum announced Sunday his intention to have anal intercourse with his wife of 23 years.

“As we all know, redefining marriage- whether it be same-sex marriage or polygamy- leads to a breakdown of social morals,” Santorum told reporters. “As a result, I no longer feel any moral prohibition from making love to Karen’s anus.”

While emphasizing that he “would not immediately begin” sodomizing his wife, the former Pennsylvania senator indicated that the sexual act would be committed at some point in the near future, “possibly after New Year’s.”

“Are you happy now, America? This is your doing. When I violate my wife’s posterior, it will be on your head! My moral compass has been obliterated.. There’s no telling what sort of sexual depravity I may experiment with in 2014.”

Santorum has long been a bellwether on American sexual behavior. In a February 2004 article in The Morning Call Santorum said gay marriage “is an issue just like 9/11. We didn’t decide we wanted to fight the war on terrorism because we wanted to. It was brought to us. And if not now, when? When the supreme courts in all the other states have succumbed to the Massachusetts version of the law?” In 2003, referring to the landmark gay rights case Lawrence v. Texas before the Supreme Court, Santorum told the Associated Press, “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery.”

“Sometimes I hate it when what I predict comes true,” the onetime Republican presidential candidate tweeted Sunday after polygamy was decriminalized in Utah.

“America is now a modern-day Sodom, and from here on out my motto shall be: if it feels good, do it,” Santorum declared.

Staffers for Santorum have confirmed that in addition to anal sex, other hitherto taboo sexual acts the former Senator will be engaging in include oral sex, spanking, and reverse cowgirl.

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