VA Republicans Nominate Cunning Linguists Cuccinelli and Jackson for Gov. and Lt. Gov.

RICHMOND, Va. — On Saturday, the Republican Party of Virginia nominated current State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli and minister and attorney E. W. Jackson for Governor and Lt. Governor, respectively, at their annual convention, hoping the two men would get their knees dirty and clean the kitchen with their Democratic opponents.

“I couldn’t be happier with our slate of candidates,” said technology entrepreneur Pete Snyder, whose withdrawl from the race for Lt. Governor clinched Jackson the nomination. “I feel these two are squared away, ready to provide good service to the people of Virginia. They’ve got good heads on their shoulders, and I’m ready to blow the horn trumpeting their triumph on election day!”

Outside the convention walls, however, observers are not as certain that Cuccinelli and Jackson will prevail. Much of the problem stems from the candidates’ percieved pre-occupation with their fellow citizens’ private, sexual lives and the desires to moralize and/or regulate private sexual activity.

For example, back in March, Cuccinelli filed a petition with the 4th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals in Richmond asking the full 15-judge court to reconsider a three-panel decision striking down the state’s sodemy law which had until then outlawed oral and anal sex between consenting aults.

Meanwhile, Jackson has gone on record saying of homosexuals, “Their minds are perverted, they’re frankly very sick people psychologically, mentally and emotionally and they see everything through the lens of homosexuality.”

Inside the convention, however, GOP delegates were ready to go down town and celebrate what they saw as Virginia’s next great political duo. “I love these guys,” said Republican Attorney General candidate Mark Obenshain. “They are men of the people. They’ll go dine at the Y and have a box lunch with constituents. And they won’t just give lip service, they’ll drop knowledge before heading off in their hummer to the next event.”