VATICAN CITY — Following the news that a number of Catholic bishops and priests from major dioceses across the US will be urging Congress next month to overhaul immigration policies that will allow a path to citizenship for unauthorized immigrants, Pope Francis today announced a new immigration policy with regards to Heaven, proposing that sinners previously banned from Heaven be allowed to enter, under certain circumstances.
“There were sins that were really terrible a thousand years ago – even fifty years ago – that today we go, ‘Ehh-hhhh. No big deal,’” the Pontiff declared. “It’s time to say these sinners have suffered enough, and grant them a path of citizenship through the Pearly Gates.”
The Pope laid out a detailed plan for sinners to achieve amnesty. Among the plans highlights are:
*Sinners must promise that neither they nor their descendants would sue the Vatican;
*No railing against God, the angels, or any member of the church, once they get to Heaven;
*Admission of guilt – that they deserved to be in Hell for exactly as long as they were there;
*A ten-year waiting period to check for slip-ups. “Though that really isn’t much of an issue, because after thousands of years languishing in Hellfire, ten years is a piece of cake,” assured Father Tom Rosica, a member of the Pope’s staff
* No talking to MSNBC.
The church’s history of deathbed conversions, even for murderers who seek forgiveness for their heinous deeds, has long been a source of controversy in the Catholic Church.
However, Francis’ new edict is the first time that souls previously confined to Hell have been given a chance to escape “eternal damnation.”
“Forever is a long time,” said the Pope’s press secretary [WHAT IS HIS NAME?], at a news conference. “Especially for sins like masturbation and taking the Lord’s name in vain. Francis is all about ‘let bygones be bygones.’” The press secretary also admitted that some souls in Hell have escaped and crossed the border into Heaven illegally.
“It’s been a problem for a long time,” he said. “As you can imagine, people in Hell want to have a better after-life.”