VATICAN CITY — The Vatican announced today that as part of its campaign to speed both Popes John Paul II and John XXIII toward sainthood, the mere act of staying sane while living the lifestyle of a Catholic priest will now be considered a miracle.
Speaking from St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome, Pope Francis explained that while the Vatican bureaucracy was eager to have both men canonized, they were having trouble finding a second miracle to attribute to John XXIII. “Suddenly a tour group went by,” said the Pontiff, “and I saw all these adults in casual clothing with spouses and children. Then I looked around this room of wrinkly virgin dudes in robes. Then I took a look in the mirror – it was like Liberace dressed me.”
“It was at that point,” said Francis, “that the Holy Spirit came into our hearts with the Good News that whomsoever shall live the life of a priest – with its unnatural calls for poverty, chastity, and obedience—and not succumb to sexually abusing children, psychosis, or just plain ol’ murderous rage, will have performed a miraculous act.”
Though there are millions of priests serving today, the fact that John Paul II and John XXIII served in the Seat of St. Peter made their continuing sanity all the more extraordinary, a feat Francis cannot help but admire. “Hey, I’m only here because the last guy burned out. And I can see why. Let’s just scroll through my emails, shall we? We got Archbishop Dolan moving money into shelters to prevent sex abuse victims from collecting court ordered damages, a record-breaking low number of young people entering religious life, and a nun who embezzled $128,000 from her parish. And that’s just the U.S.”
The Pope then stared silently at the screen as his eye twitched and a vein throbbed in his head.
The other miracle being attributed to John Paul II is his “Hail Mary” completion at the end of the 1987 Interfaith Bowl, where he lead the Vatican City Padres over Temple Beth-El, erasing a 17 point deficit in the final 1:04.