VATICAN CITY — Days after alleging the existence of a “gay lobby” within the hierarchy of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis was forced to admit that the problem was “far worse than we ever could’ve imagined” after the Holy See came under attack by a savage horde of gigantic, 70-foot tall gays.
“Fueled by the prayers and confessions of our congregation, we thought the anti-gay force-field generators – codenamed URIEL – could last forever,” reported a grizzled-looking Pope Francis from his emergency bunker, an ammo belt slung across his chasuble. Chunks of ceiling shook and crumbled behind the pope with each titanic footstep of the humongous gays outside. “We thought the handful of secretly gay priests posed no threat to us beyond the possibility of blackmail and embarrassment.”
Pope Francis swallowed and stared into the video feed, a haggard, faraway look in his eyes. “Now, we pay the price.”
The Vatican’s opposition to the “gay lobby” was founded principally on ethical and political grounds, as rumors abounded that a group of gay priests were leveraging their position to gain influence within the Catholic Church’s hierarchy. “But we were fools to believe that this was ever such a simple issue,” hissed Archpriest of St. Peter’s Basilica Angelo Comastri, a Bowie knife clenched between his teeth. “If you allow gay priests to infiltrate the Catholic Church, it’s obviously only a matter of time before a bunch of six-story-tall homosexuals move in and ruin the neighborhood.”
The monstrous homosexuals, who appeared at the city gates suddenly and without warning, proceeded to smash the historic buildings of Vatican City to pieces with their bare hands. “Maria, piena di grazia,” said Stefano Bortoletto, a gardener and groundskeeper for the Vatican, huddled in a communal shelter with his family. “Spare us, your children, from these mighty gay fists.”
Before a series of corruption scandals prompted his premature retirement, Pope Benedict XVI outfitted the Popemobile with an impressive arsenal of sophisticated weaponry, including an M242 Bushmaster chain gun and a 30 mm 2A42 autocannon. “At the time, we all figured it was just a bit of harmless fun,” said Peter Turkson, president of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace. “But, I wonder … could it be that Pope Benedict had a revelation of the terrible war to come? And where is he now, when we need him more than ever?”
How the Vatican was able to discern the sexual orientation of the colossal gays remains uncertain.