Venezuela to Allow Freedom of Speech For Snowden and No One Else

CARACAS, Venezuela — “We believe in Eric Snowden’s right to free speech,” said Venezuelan President, Nicolas Maduro, after offering the NSA leaker and current fugitive of the United States of America asylum, “but only his.”

Marco was trying to convince Snowden to come to Venezuela, after the leaker continued to ask for temporary refuge in Russia despite the South American countries offer of sanctuary. Marco seemedconfused when he was accused of hypocrisy for defending Snowden while his country does things like arrest college students who attend anti-regime rallies.

“Don’t these people get it,” exclaimed Maduro, “when Snowden talks, he is destabilizing the United States, when Venezuelan dissidents talk they are destabilizing my regime, which is totally different.”

Maduro went on to explain that freedom of speech was crucial and fundamental to Venezuelan democracy, so long as that free speech involved the divulgement of classified American secrets. He went on to praise Snowden as a hero, and said he was looking forward to picking his brain on how the United States spied on its citizens in order to keep them in line.

“You never know, I could pick up a few tips. I mean, really learn the nuance of how horrible this all is,” said the Venezuelan leader.

Julio Rivas, a college student who once went on strike to protest Venezuela’s increasingly anti-democratic tendencies, said he had mixed reactions about Snowden coming to his country. On the one hand, he is glad that his country is welcoming of foreign political free speech activists, but he is also sad that domestic activists are jailed and held without trail.

“Hey, clearly politically motivated trumpeting of free speech may be a step in the right direction,” said Rivas, as Venezuelan police dragged him out of his house while savagely beating him.