WASHINGTON – On the heels of the shocking revelation that the National Security Agency has been subpoenaing records of phone calls made by Verizon customers, new allegations have arisen claiming said customers have “the most boring lives ever” according to sources at the NSA.
Several members of the NSA with access to the records, who did not wish to be identified due to privacy concerns, state that an overwhelming amount of the phone calls are to friends, family, and local businesses, and that most last no longer than five minutes. “Really, it’s enough to make your eyes bleed,” said one high ranking security official. “Case in point, here is the log of calls made between April 20th-30th of this year by a Virginia Stevenson of Terre Haute, IN. She called her husband at work three times, a local Pizza Hut, one incoming from her doctor, and a wrong number. She used 38 minutes total. Except for calls to and from her mother across town. The average length of call between those two is 77 minutes. Really, what do those two biddies have to yammer on for so long about?”
Though the warrant, granted by the highly secretive FISA court under provisions laid out in the Patriot Act, forbids the NSA from listening to the content of the calls, most at the agency are grateful. “I’m glad I don’t have access to what these people are discussing,” said another agent familiar with the data collection program. “If I actually had to listen to every second of these mouth breathers butt dialing I might actually turn to terrorism. Put your phone on lock when it is not being used, Verizon people!”
“Why can’t we snoop on T-Mobile customers?” the agent added. “I bet they are into all sorts of freaky shit.”
In addition to domestic calls, the warrant also gives the NSA authority to collect data on international phone calls if they are to or from the United States. They have not proved more interesting. “Look at this guy Abed Akbari,” said NSA spokeswoman Marci Green Miller. “All he does is call his family in Yemen. Except for last week – he contacted a van rental company, a plant store that sold fertilizer and a gas station with a diesel fuel pump. Snoozeville.”
The news has shocked most Americans, though some see potential value in the unprecedented action. “Look, we live in a post-9/11 world and these are some of the compromises you have to make in order to stay safe,” remarked Denise Franz of Santa Monica, CA. “And if the NSA can monitor my ex and make sure he doesn’t call me anymore, I would probably pay extra for that service. Just sayin’.”
While the news has taken its toll on Verizon’s stock price, MetroPCS has boosted its position by signing on as the official mobile carrier of al-Qaeda.