NEW YORK — Millions of Americans in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic who lost power from the devastating super storm earlier this week are exhibiting symptoms of what experts call Post-Technology Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Symptoms of the disorder include Wandering Thumb Syndrome – in which the afflicted reflexively use their thumb to swipe or scroll through their field of view – and the delusion that actual real-world people who have shit to do care about what you had for breakfast.
“What we’re finding is that people can’t do anything without their smart phones,” said Dr. Thomas Gomez, a psychiatrist specializing in technology addiction. Elaborating on this statement, Gomez cited the 48 New York City residents who have nearly starved to death, having been unable to acquire food without the assistance of Fresh Direct or Grub Hub.
Others have been seen shuffling aimlessly in the streets, seeking a new means to set their fantasy lineup. “Fantasy Football is literally my life. I tried setting smoke signals, but there’s been no response,” lamented New Yorker Cory Haberman.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency has allotted nearly $500 million to treat those suffering from PTSD. The money will be used to pay for committing citizens to rehabilitation centers where they will be weaned off of a simulated WordPress account, and forced to interact verbally with other living human beings. Following rehabilitation, victims are to attend therapy sessions in which they will relearn basic communication skills, such as how to express thoughts through speech and without a 140-character restriction.