WASHINGTON – Bucking the recent trend of partisan rancor, both liberals and conservatives are celebrating the fact that the War on Thanksgiving is “proceeding wonderfully” and nearing completion. With fewer Americans travelling to be with loved ones this year and Black Fridays sales starting earlier than ever, the fourth Thursday in November is nearing the end of its transformation from a day of giving thanks to an orgy of rapacious consumerism.
“Compared with other major holidays, Thanksgiving was just not pulling its weight,” said Wal-Mart CEO Doug McMillon. “There was comparably little revenue generated, and nothing controversial to get people up in arms.” This prompted Wal-Mart to start a campaign to replace the holiday with something that would generate more passion and revenues. It found allies from across the political spectrum.
“To be honest, the reason Thanksgiving was worthless was because it was so vague,” said Fox News host and murder–phile author Bill O’Reilly. “Giving thanks is a fine idea – but to whom? It should be God, but it’s so open ended you could project anyone in there. Or no one. Not really the wedge issue one expects from a holiday.” O’Reilly did note that the end of Thanksgiving will allow for more time to be dedicated to the War on Christmas. “Now that’s a war that’s great for business,” he said.
The vanquishing also has its supporters amongst the liberal elite. Taking a break from stalking corporate CEO’s to ambush them with accusations of union busting, filmmaker Michael Moore told reporters that the War on Thanksgiving played perfectly into the liberal agenda. “It was just a speed bump in between our annual pagan rite of Halloween and the War on Christmas – which is very real and organized, I might add. Not having this day of warmth and family will free up resources for achieving our real goal – getting God out of every single facet of every American’s life.”
“Keep Christ out of Christmas,” he added.
Not everyone is happy about the recent turn of events, however. Butterball CEO Ron Brenneman said that while he was happy to do his part by concocting a scheme to cut the availability of turkeys by almost 50% — a move aimed at getting people away from dinner tables and into stores – it will affect his bottom line. “We’re happy to take one for Team Consumption, but we expect to have this made up to us on the back end.” Brenneman suggested that turkeys be introduced into nativity scenes or given as gifts at Christmas to help make up for the drop in sales.
Experts say the War on Thanksgiving has been the most effective holiday obliteration since Columbus Day was relegated from “parade worthy” to “afterthought.”