Viewers Shocked to Discover There are Victims of Mass Shootings

NEW YORK — Months after a series of mass shootings rocked the U.S., viewers are stunned to learn that there were actual victims involved.

While popular news networks publicized many details concerning the culprits responsible for the Aurora and Sandy Hook tragedies, the public has been shocked to learn that almost nothing was said of the victims. Many viewers have admitted that they thought the movie theater had been empty, or that it had been part of an elaborate publicity stunt for the next Batman movie.

“I thought the school was on vacation,” viewer Glenn Wilder confided. “I had no idea there were actual children involved.”

When asked about the Aurora shootings, most viewers accurately described the orange haired shooter who behaved strangely in court. And when asked about the Sandy Hook tragedy, viewers were able to provide an accurate and intimate description of the shooter’s dysfunctional relationship with his mother.

“It’s the difference between watching an action flick or a tear-jerker,” one correspondent commented. “And we all know which ones bring in better ratings.”

While politicians and legislators have not yet commented on the media’s “action flick” oriented broadcasting style, independent sources have confirmed sightings of Fox News and CNN crews camping out in front of schools and mental health institutions, apparently waiting for the next season’s shooting.