Vladimir Putin Insists on Purell Before and After Billy Jean King Handshake

MOSCOW – In what the Kremlin is calling a big gay slap in the face, President Obama has nominated two lesbians-former tennis player Billy Jean King and hockey player Caitlin Cahow-to the American Olympic Committee for the 2014 Russian Sochi games. The frequently shirtless Russian President, Vladimir Putin, who has recently signed laws banning the adoption of Russian babies to foreign gay couples and “gay propaganda,” is outraged.

“If I must shake her hand,” a squeamish and slightly nauseated Putin said, “both my hand and her hand will be lathered in hand sanitizer pre and post shake. You can never be too careful about getting ‘the gay’ on you.”

King, who was once the number one rated female tennis player in the world and is arguably most famous for her win against Bobby Riggs in the “battle of the sexes,” promised she would try to keep her gay proselytizing to a minimum while in Sochi.

“I totally understand Putin’s concerns,” King said, “while I’m over there I will not tell any Russian children about scissoring. Also, I will do my best not to turn the Russian President gay. No promises though.”

King’s cooperative tone has done little to soothe the Russian President’s fears. Kremlin insiders believe Putin has been strategizing with his ministers to figure out if “no homo” must be “called” before or after the handshake. Putin is even exploring the use of a latex glove for all handshakes with homosexuals.

“The only reason the glove has not already been made mandatory,” said an anonymous Kremlin spokesperson, “is that we can’t figure out if a big hulking piece of man meat like President Putin snapping on a tight fitting latex glove would violate our ban on homosexual proselytizing.”