WASHINGTON– According to a Pew Research poll released this morning, a majority of likely voters say Mitt Romney is the kind of likeable guy you just want to sit down and have a bee—well, he’s Mormon so he doesn’t drink, but they sure would like to have a Yoo-Hoo with him.
“I’d just love to hang out with Mitt,” said auto mechanic Darryl Givens, “just two regular guys sitting around talking shop and drinking chocolate milk because our weird religion won’t let us drink beer.”
Despite Romney’s Mormonism, which prohibits the consumption of alcohol, many respondents said they relish the thought of rubbing elbows with the former governor. “It doesn’t have to be a beer,” said undecided voter Alicia Philips. “Maybe we could crack open a couple Dr. Peppers—No? Really? Geez, that religion is really inconvenient.”
The question of “who would voters rather have a beer with?” proved to be pivotal in the 2004 presidential election, with voters favoring the every-man persona of George W. Bush over challenger John Kerry.
“I don’t want some brainiac elitist running this country,” said registered Independent Tommy Parks. “I just relate a lot more to [Harvard Business School graduate Mitt] Romney than a Harvard lawyer like Obama.”
At Romney campaign headquarters, reactions like these are no surprise. “Voters love Mitt because he’s a wholesome, proud American like them,” speculated Romney campaign spokesman Matt LePaula. “And he makes the dad from Pleasantville look like an aggressive junkie by comparison.”