Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an “ugly mistress.” The text messages point to the Democrats’ constant condemnation of Wall St., but also expose the behind-closed-doors love affair taking place out of sight of Main Street, the Democrats’ longtime wife.

“You can’t just talk shit about me to the press and deny that there’s any connection between us,” Wall St. tells the DNC, “then call me at midnight to apologize and ask if you can come over.” Wall St. has grown tired, it seems, of being called a “vulture,” a “job killer,” and a “greedy cash-monger” to the public. The texts reveal that Wall St. prefers the slick-haired, charming but sleazy GOP in part because he flatters her, gives her large monetary gifts, complete political immunity and free reign to do whatever she pleases, all while justifying her every blunder and mistake. Additionally, he calls her sweet names like “job creator.” “Do you know how nice that is to hear?” Wall St. asks in one text to DNC. “Just once I’d like you to acknowledge that, no matter what you say to others, I really am the love of your life.” Wall St. cites DNC’s support of the “Occupy Wall Street” movement as the moment when she realized the unfairness of her situation: “I saw that I need to go where I’m respected,” she writes.

DNC and Wall St. reportedly met at a fundraiser for President Obama in the spring of 2008, and enjoyed a relatively peaceful back-room tryst until the fall of that same year, when the market crash left liberals vilifying the finance industry to the press while quietly continuing its affair with Wall St. “That was when the relationship got turbulent,” a close source informs Newslo. “He had to talk a lot of shit about her behind her back to stay in the ‘cool crowd,’ but deep down he didn’t want to leave her. He made her his sidepiece and never felt bad about it.”

Also leaked were texts from Main Street, known to her friends as “Mom Shop,” who texted a close friend, “Why Pop is gone so many nights?” and expressed feelings that her marriage may not be all that it once seemed. Additionally, one unconfirmed report claimed that Wall St. attacked DNC’s sexual prowess as “lackluster,” citing her preference of the “frisky orgy of Paul Ryan, John Boehner, and Chris Christie” that awaits her if she chooses GOP. Regarding her husband’s lovemaking abilities, Main Street replied, “No comment.”