Wall Street Banker Urges Employees To Be Cautious When Screwing Over Counterparties

NEW YORK – A leading investment banker at Deutsche Bank recently urged employees via a company video to clean up their vulgar, indiscreet, and boastful behavior when “screwing over their counterparties.”

“Some of you are falling way short of our established standards,” said Colin Fan, one of the heads of Deutsche Bank’s investment banking department, in the virally spread video. “When giving the shaft to those with whom we conduct business, we must remain mum on the issue so as not to raise any eyebrows, primarily within the SEC.”

The harsh-toned video was in response to the persisting exchange of unprofessional emails among Deutsche Bank employees, even after a 2013 internal investigation revealed that one company banker said of a 2007 interest-rate-swap deal with Indian firm Unitech, “No one likes to know he got screwed.”

“By continuing to broadcast our ‘transgressions’ to the world, we’re taking all the fun out of it,” continued Fan. “Trust me, I’ve been doing this for years, and there is no greater pleasure than swindling someone in a transaction, then playing dumb to the SEC and the court system. So please, exercise caution going forward.”

Sanjay Agarwal, the Deutsche Bank employee who sent the aforementioned 2007 email, said his co-workers would be wise to heed Fan’s directives.

“My bonus was cut in half as a result of my actions,” said Agarwal, who currently makes $680,000 per year. “It was exceptionally rough on me and family, and I certainly don’t wish the same on the guys at the firm.”

Agarwal went on to say that whenever his team manipulates an interest rate or sells damaged goods to a counterparty, they “simply move on, like it never happened.”

“Almost like a Jedi mind trick,” continued Agarwal. “And listen, if you seek catharsis and absolutely have to share your morally questionable activity with someone, be discreet. Tell your wife in private. Tell your brother over a beer. Or, if you really want to be cautious, share it on Myspace.”