Walmart Heiress Buys “Employee Healthcare” for the Holidays

HENDERSON, Nev. — While completing shopping for the holiday season, Wal-Mart heiress and billionaire Nancy Walton Laurie personally spent millions on “Employee Healthcare,” an extravagant, spitefully-named mega-yacht purchased for herself.

Wal-Mart has recently rolled back health insurance coverage for its employees, most of whom earn the federal minimum wage and, therefore, remain below the poverty line despite working full-time. Predictably, the workers that have made the colossal retail chain so lucrative have gone on strike in 100 cities nationwide, asking for a livable wage, reasonable hours, and sufficient health insurance to cover trampling injuries incurred working on Black Friday.

Countering the strikers’ claims that the world’s largest retailer reprimands employees that attempt to organize, Nancy Walton Laurie defended her decision to purchase another yacht as a simple logistical need. While Walton Laurie already owns a luxury yacht called “Majestic,” it is a mere 200 feet in length. At a comfortable 240 feet in length, “Employee Healthcare” will be much less prone to overcrowding during her annual Christmas gala.

Of course, since Walton Laurie’s primary residence is located in Nevada, she will need to travel to reach “Employee Healthcare,” which is docked at Venice Beach in southern California. Although she has several private jets at her disposal, Walton Laurie has generously offered Wal-Mart employees the opportunity to pull her and her guests by rickshaw, promising time-and-a-half for those willing to do so over the holiday season.

One employee representative pointed out the irony in Wal-Mart maintaining the slogan “Save money, live better!” when consumer savings actually come at the significant expense of its workers’ quality of life and health. Wal-Mart responded by revising its official slogan to: “Always the minimal federally-enforced mandatory benefits. Always.”