OMAHA, Neb. – In lieu of his billion-dollar bracket contest, American business magnate Warren Buffett announced he will be watching the entire NCAA Basketball Tournament from a large crystal orb with magical powers.
The orb, five feet tall in diameter can feature several live ESPN broadcasts at once, and show sinister views of bracket contestants realizing their hopes are dashed when their chances of a perfect bracket are ruined. “I just want to watch their stupid faces drop, and I want to see all of them,” said Buffett.
The bracket contest comes from Quicken Loans, and Buffett has agreed to insure the winning prize of $1 billion. Mathematicians say even the most informed bracket filler still only has odds in the billions. In the years ESPN has featured a bracket contest, 30 million have been submitted, and none have come close to being perfect.
Buffett refused to reveal where the orb comes from, but implied that it may be from an alternate universe. “Look, I’m just not saying I don’t own a Stargate, okay?” he said. The orb can also switch channels automatically, depending on whenever Dick Vitale is not on TV. Purple clouds of smoke and mesmerizing displays of the cosmos emanate from the orb’s core each time a player hits a three-pointer. “The picture-in-picture on this thing is the best,” said Buffett.
In recent years, Buffett has stated he will donate most of his $53 billion of net worth to charitable causes, but the majority shareholder of Berkshire Hathaway still has the lust for causing disappointment for regular people. “A lot of people playing will be in debt, let alone poor, and just to watch their little unimportant lives get a little less hopeful is one of few joys in life you can’t buy,” said Buffett.
