Washington Paralyzed by Lack of Controversy, May be Forced to Work

WASHINGTON — Fresh off Congress’ near fiscal cliff dive that threatened to send America into a recession and raise taxes on millions, the Republican and Democratic parties are once again locked in a heated political battle. This time, the parties find themselves unable to agree upon exactly which manufactured controversy they will need to invent in order to distract the American public from their glaring lack of representation.

Democrats favor a scandal between a homosexual prostitute and a family values conservative lawmaker, whereas Republicans prefer an approach involving videotaped footage of president Obama choking a puppy to death with his bare hands. Compromise appears to be nowhere in sight.

“Democrats seem incapable of understanding that without something else to focus on, the American public might actually expect us to vote on things, or whatever the hell it is we’re supposed to be doing here,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner.

White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters, “the president hopes republicans will accept his plan before the 11:00 am deadline on Tuesday, when he has reservations at Kapala Golf Club on Maui. Kapala does not offer refunds. Whatever happened to fiscal responsibility?”

However, there are grounds for hope. Political insiders hint that compromise can be reached next month when leaders from both parties meet to decide upon which Middle Eastern country to next invade. Until then, a nation soldiers on.

Media analysts speculate that Americans will remain sufficiently distracted in the meantime by news of Kim and Kanye’s new baby, and the continued exploits of Honey Boo-Boo Child.