Washington Redskins Change Name to Sound Children Make When Pretending to be Indians

WASHINGTON – Following the news that Frank Luntz has been hired to poll Americans on how they feel about the Washington Redskins’ name, the team has announced that, next season, they will be no longer be known as the Redskins, but simply as the “whooping sound children make when pretending to be Indians while playing ‘Cowboys and Indians.’”

The Redskins, originally known as the Boston Braves before changing their name to a racial slur under the auspices of racist owner George Marshall, have often been criticized for having a name which is a racial slur, but owner Daniel Snyder has repeatedly said that the team would never change its name. Ten members of congress recently wrote to the franchise requesting that it change its name, saying “The usage of [the R-word] is especially harmful to Native American youth, tending to lower their sense of dignity and self-esteem.”

“We haven’t even figured out how to spell the new name,” admitted Redskins spokesman Cory Westin, “but we’ve had different groups trying to make us change it, so now we have. We hope they’re all happy.” When pressed further about the change, Westin added: “For 80 years, most Americans haven’t cared enough to pressure us into changing our name to something not horribly racist, and even an AP poll from April of this year confirmed that 79 percent don’t think we should change it, so we’re really getting out in front of it.”

The sudden rebranding took many by surprise, due to the team’s previous opposition to doing so. However, Washington Times football analyst Mike Bauerschmidt thinks that the move makes sense: “Although my paper has never opposed the team’s name, it makes sense for them to change it now while they get to look like the good guys – especially as that high-pitched whooping sound, usually done while dancing around with a feathered headdress and face paint of some kind – isn’t specific to Native Americans. It could be any ethnicity that was known for fighting cowboys in the Old West.” Bauerschmidt also noted that a child with a feathered headdress and face paint will be the new logo, and that he was looking forward to seeing the different interpretations of how the name is pronounced during football broadcasts: “I don’t see Costas going for this, but Stephen A. Smith will probably dive right in.”