WASHINGTON – After only four games, the 1-3 Washington Redskins have decided to cut their losses and shut down their football season.
“We tried everything in our power to avoid it,” said team owner Daniel Snyder, “but our players and coaches just couldn’t get on the same page. Therefore, we’ve decided that completely abandoning our season and leaving hundreds unemployed is the only move.”
Redskins wider receiver Pierre Garcon called the decision “a blessing in disguise.” “It works out perfectly,” said Garcon. “We players get to keep our monstrous paychecks while saving ourselves the embarrassment of a shitty season. We should shut down our seasons more often.”
For those employees that have been furloughed, there remains much frustration. Teddy Pinkman, a groundskeeper at the Redskin’s FedEx Field, called the shutdown a “slap to the face” after he was labeled a “non-essential” employee.
“I have a family to feed,” said Pinkman. “Why should I lose pay because of the Redskins’ lack of run defense?”
Debbie McClain, a Redskins ticket vendor, shared the same sentiment. “I blame the coach. If he hadn’t rushed RG III back from that ACL injury they’d probably have a better record,” said McClain. “Now I have to worry about keeping up with mortgage payments. Thanks, you overpaid, inept asshol*s.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly nixed plans of other NFL franchises, including the 0-4 New York Giants, to shut down their respective seasons due to poor play. He cited the Redskins as an exception to the rule with their presence in Washington, D.C. “Sorry, New York fans,” said Goodell, “you’ll have to endure your shitty team for another 13 weeks.”