HOUSTON — NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre has offered his organization’s take on the real causes of yesterday’s mass stabbing that left 14 Texas community college students injured. “If the students at Lone Star College had been armed—say, with AK-47’s—this never would have happened,” he wrote in a hastily-released memo. “Knife rampages don’t last very long once a shooting rampage has begun.”
“Inevitably, the media will focus on the stabber’s motives, or his mental issues, or blame the whole thing on society,” Mr. LaPierre wrote. “But that’s all obfuscation. Clearly, it happened because the students, being unarmed, couldn’t wildly spray that campus with hollow point rounds at the first sign of trouble, which, clearly, would have brought the incident to a quick and decisive end.”
Mr. LaPierre’s memo has little to say about Dylan Quick, the suspect in the case. Authorities say Quick had fantasized about stabbing people to death since he was young, and yesterday attempted to live out said fantasies by going on a “stabbing rampage” with an “exacto” knife at Houston’s Lone Star College, where he was enrolled. Bystanders were eventually able to subdue Quick, but not in the manner Mr. LaPierre would have preferred.
“Hmm, let’s see. A knife versus an AK-47,” his memo continues, in one of several heavily-sarcastic paragraphs. “I wonder which one would have come out on top. But noooo. Apparently it’s not okay for college students to carry machine guns with them to class.”
Mr. LaPierre seemed to anticipate at least one criticism his hindsight solution would attract. “Some will say, ‘But Wayne! Wouldn’t have even more innocent bystanders have been hurt or killed if suddenly every student in the vicinity opened fire with fully automatic weapons?’ My answer is: Perhaps. But, really. Wouldn’t you rather be shot than stabbed? Who wants to be the guy who got exacto-knifed to death? That’s such a lame way to go out. Taking a couple rounds from an AK-47, on the other hand—now that’s bad ass.”
9 comments
Wow! How many seconds did it take this monstrous douchebag to politicze the pain and anguish of many who are weeping right now? I am so fucking ashamed of my country. If I could leave it, I would. La Pierre you are a maniacal piece of shit and I hope you meet an ironic end.
@facebook-100001679223820:disqus Your out of your mind. It is true, and he is right. Had they been armed this wouldn’t of happened. He might’ve stabbed one or two but definitely not 14.
Of course, if *he* had an AK-47, he might have *killed* 14 people instead of only wounding them.
You do know this site is purely satire, right? Liek the Onion, it’s a joke. It’s called “Newslo.”
This
just doesn’t represent the idea of the NRA very well at all. First off in a close
range combat an AK 47 is not the first weapon of choice. Maybe a pistol
like a concealed carry would use. Second his defense is wrong. Had
someone had a gun yes it probably would have ended quicker but saying
being shot by an AK is bad ass and a knife is lame. That sounds like
someone playing a video game. what he should have done is bash
legislation for making it harder to protect yourself from moments like
this and if someone who was well trained with a firearm had taken a
clear and accurate shot or two being sure of the objects around and
behind the target then this could have all been stopped with less
injury. Just like all gun owners who have taken any kind of safety
course should know.
You do know this site is purely satire, right? Like the Onion, it’s a joke. It’s called “Newslo.”
Talk about spin!!! No one ever suggested students or anyone carry a fully automatic weapon! Stop your BS. If this nut case chose a gun instead of a knife the outcome would have been much worse! Especially since this campus is gun free! You seem to think your little laws will magically supersede the laws already on the books and somehow change the outcome! It doesn’t, it never will and the only thing that will stop or end a violent attack is an armed person!!!
You are just A STONE COLD VICTIM, THAT NEVER HAD A CHANCE if any of your bans, laws or fantasies of stopping a violent attack!
It has come to my attention the LaPierre is nuts and would not pass a background check. I
WHAT A DOUCHE BAG FOR SURE! NUFF SAID!!