Wayne LaPierre Blasts Victims of Texas Mass-Stabbing for Being Unarmed

HOUSTON — NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre has offered his organization’s take on the real causes of yesterday’s mass stabbing that left 14 Texas community college students injured. “If the students at Lone Star College had been armed—say, with AK-47’s—this never would have happened,” he wrote in a hastily-released memo. “Knife rampages don’t last very long once a shooting rampage has begun.”

“Inevitably, the media will focus on the stabber’s motives, or his mental issues, or blame the whole thing on society,” Mr. LaPierre wrote. “But that’s all obfuscation. Clearly, it happened because the students, being unarmed, couldn’t wildly spray that campus with hollow point rounds at the first sign of trouble, which, clearly, would have brought the incident to a quick and decisive end.”

Mr. LaPierre’s memo has little to say about Dylan Quick, the suspect in the case. Authorities say Quick had fantasized about stabbing people to death since he was young, and yesterday attempted to live out said fantasies by going on a “stabbing rampage” with an “exacto” knife at Houston’s Lone Star College, where he was enrolled. Bystanders were eventually able to subdue Quick, but not in the manner Mr. LaPierre would have preferred.

“Hmm, let’s see. A knife versus an AK-47,” his memo continues, in one of several heavily-sarcastic paragraphs. “I wonder which one would have come out on top. But noooo. Apparently it’s not okay for college students to carry machine guns with them to class.”

Mr. LaPierre seemed to anticipate at least one criticism his hindsight solution would attract. “Some will say, ‘But Wayne! Wouldn’t have even more innocent bystanders have been hurt or killed if suddenly every student in the vicinity opened fire with fully automatic weapons?’ My answer is: Perhaps. But, really. Wouldn’t you rather be shot than stabbed? Who wants to be the guy who got exacto-knifed to death? That’s such a lame way to go out. Taking a couple rounds from an AK-47, on the other hand—now that’s bad ass.”