WASHINGTON – Sensing that his recent comments about putting an armed guard in every school had backfired, and that gun control advocates were gaining ground, NRA vice-president Wayne LaPierre issued a new proclamation Sunday.
“Some irresponsible members of society are calling for an end to guns. But we live in a democracy where guns outnumber people. In a democracy you don’t disenfranchise a group without letting them have a say in the matter. That’s unconstitutional. That’s why I call for a constitutional amendment giving guns the right to vote.”
LaPierre then was seen emitting a smug, self-satisfied smile and muttering, “boy. That logic was unassailable.”
Continuing to read from his proclamation, LaPierre said, “Guns were at the forefront of building this country. There would be no United States of America if guns hadn’t been on the battlefield in every war this nation ever fought. It would be a travesty to take away their rights to sit in every home in America and shoot who they want without giving them a vote in the matter.
“Blacks helped build this country, albeit largely involuntarily, and we gave them the vote. Women didn’t do squat to build this nation, and we even gave them the vote. We can do no less with guns.”
When onlookers started screaming at LaPierre for being sexist, he responded, “oh, come on. Name five women who helped build this country.”
Another reporter asked, “Mr. LaPierre, with all due respect, guns are inanimate objects. Assuming we passed an amendment enfranchising them, how could we possibly know which way they’d vote?”
At which point, LaPierre glared at the reporter like he was an idiot.
“Everybody knows,” LaPierre sighed, “That guns vote Republican.”