UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — Having finally been broken by months of incessant media coverage, the American people no longer really care who wins the presidential election anymore.
Although election day is tomorrow, nearly all national polls indicate that 100% of Americans really don’t give a shit at this point, and that we should just get this bullshit over with so we can go back to four more years of congressional inaction, partisan infighting, and a sluggish economic recovery.
For the first time in years, it seems that Americans stand united in not giving a damn about who manages the largest economy in the world. They have already spent all of their passion and energy keeping up with the ever-shifting media narratives, and trivial issues.
According to sources, the consensus is that no Commander-in-Chief can solve the complex conflicts plaguing Africa, the Middle East, and other war-torn parts of the globe facing extreme social and economic inequality. Likewise, the entire U.S. population has long since come to the conclusion that neither Barack Obama’s nor Mitt Romney’s economic ideology will defy the nascent consequences of globalization.
“Oh, I stopped paying attention to this circle-jerk long ago,” said Bob Jensen, an everyday, salt-of-the-earth, God-fearing American. “Is Chris Christie still running? I think I like him.”
As for the idea that either of these candidates can bring Republicans and Democrats together to work for the greater good, the American public isn’t buying it.
Regardless of who acts as leader of the government of the most powerful nation on Earth come January, the American people have jointly concluded, it will be politics as usual in Washington.