Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics

Old-Timer to Regale Children with Tales of Life Before 2012 Presidential Race
LANSING, Mich. — Old Man Watkins, a retired machine-parts fabricator from East Lansing, will amaze his grandchildren with the revelation that he remembers what life was like before the seemingly endless 2012 Presidential race. “It was so long ago, but I’ll do my best,” the septuagenarian will strain to recall. “We didn’t have these new-fangled SuperPACs, and a loaf of bread cost only a nickel.” After more than two years of constant debates, candidate appearances, manufactured controversies, gaffes and attack ads, Watkins’ grandchildren will only be able to imagine what it was like to live in a time when they didn’t know who “saved” the Salt Lake City Olympics or who—allegedly—ate dog meat.


Society

YOLO Will Be Invoked to Justify Name-Brand Paper Towel Purchase
ATHENS, Ohio — While shopping at the State Street Kroger Wednesday night, Ohio University senior Jamie Pabsco will be overheard saying “YOLO” under her breath before choosing Bounty paper towels over the cheaper store-brand alternative. Though generally a frugal woman, Pabsco recently committed to being more spontaneous and adventurous. The cultural meme and mantra will give Pabsco the courage it takes to spend the extra fifty-eight cents for the quilted comfort of Bounty triple-ply because, after all, you only live once.


Media

Modern Day Woodward and Bernstein to Re-Tweet Celebrity Nip-Slip
NEW YORK — In a move that will surely earn them a Pulitzer nomination, Huffington Post’s investigative journalism duo Tim Price and Rene Fowler will re-tweet a picture of Sofia Vergara’s exposed nipple, taken at this year’s Latin Entertainment Awards. The modern-day Woodward and Bernstein will have spent countless seconds on their smartphones doing the courageous, in-depth legwork readers have come to expect from Huffington Post’s right column. The story will inspire a new confidence in the media’s ability to act as the Fourth Estate, holding public officials accountable for all their wardrobe malfunctions and DUI rumors.


Sports

Chicago Bears to be Slain by Replacement Referee Cyborgs
DALLAS — After less than a week back, the NFL officials lock-out will re-ignite early Monday morning. With the use of replacement referees a complete disaster, the league will resort to experimental officiating robots to keep the season going. Monday night’s game between Dallas and Chicago will end abruptly after a slight drizzle causes the automatons to malfunction and slaughter the entire Bears defense. Commissioner Roger Goodell will immediately regret approving the cyborgs, particularly his insistence that they have missiles in lieu of penalty flags. Fans of the game will mourn the loss, but still prefer the killer machines to the referees who presided over the Packers-Seahawks game.


New York

Health Inspectors to Sanction “Three Second Rule”
NEW YORK — At a press conference at City Hall Friday, New York City Health Inspectors will formally approve the “three second rule” for use in bars and restaurants. Public Health Administrator Diane Adams will justify the decision saying, “You know, if you drop something on the floor, it’s probably not a big deal. It’s just like a second. So why’s everybody freaking out?” Adams will clarify that the three second rule does not apply to food dropped on wet or sandy surfaces.

“What we’re telling businesses is this,” an anonymous health inspector will confide to Newslo, “If it looks okay, that’s good enough for us. We’re not trying to jam anybody up here.”
Food safety groups will protest that the relaxed safety regulations. The Gotham Food Safety Council, a citizen-action group dedicated to raising standards of restaurant cleanliness, will accuse the city of caving to industry pressure. The group will allege in a press release, “The three second rule is a joke. Studies show you have to blow on anything you drop on the floor before it’s safe for human consumption. Or rub the item on your shirt at least.”