Politics
Romney Will Ask Stage Manager for Line During Next Debate
BOCA RATON, Florida — In yet another bout of Romnesia, presidential candidate Mitt Romney will bring Monday night’s debate to a standstill by pausing in the middle of an answer to ask an off-stage campaign manager “Line?” Though usually reserved for actors in musicals and stage plays who forget a line of dialogue, Romney will need assistance from advisors after becoming confused about his current position on Syria.
“I remain resolute, as I have always been,” Romney will say, “that when it comes to the Assad regime….sorry — line?”
“Mitt has a lot of issues and positions floating around in his head this campaign,” advisor Matt Rhoades will spin after the debate. “It’s certainly easier for a candidate like Obama who simply picks one platform and sticks to it. Mitt has to be constantly refreshing his platform du jour, and sometimes he gets confused. He’s only human.”
Society
Human Resources to be Dazzled by Applicant’s Professed Mastery of Microsoft Word
NEW YORK — Human Resources Director Kim Sandfield will be unable to resist hiring recent Hofstra graduate John Dawson, after finding “Microsoft Word” listed in the Special Skills section of Dawson’s résumé.
“Holy shit! He’s our man!” Sandfield will exclaim, floored by Dawson’s apparent mastery of the basic word-processing program. “We’ve been looking for someone with these qualifications for a long time,” Sandfield will gush to her superiors. “And look here — he can do email! This kid’s the complete package.”
Dawson will be hired without an interview and promoted shortly after when it is discovered he minored in Humanities and captained his intramural Ultimate Frisbee team. “I feel bad for all the other saps who applied for this job,” Sandfield will confide to co-workers. “This résumés a fucking juggernaut.”
Media
“Soylent Green” Ending Somehow Not Spoiled for Viewer
ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Greg Montoya will watch the classic science fiction film “Soylent Green” Friday without prior knowledge of the film’s ending. “Whoa, Soylent Green was chopped-up people? I did not see that coming,” Montoya will tell his roommates as the credits roll. Reports will show that Montoya is the first person since 1991 to enjoy the film completely unspoiled. “I don’t know how he slipped through the cracks,” cinematic experts will say in amazement. “He’s the only person to not be underwhelmed by the film’s anti-climactic final revelation in twenty years.” Next week Montoya will narrowly preserve his cultural ignorance after mistakenly overhearing that Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense “was a goat the whole time.”
New York
Brooklyn PD to Debut Fixed-Gear Police Bikes
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — In an outdoor press conference Wednesday, the Brooklyn Police Department will introduce fixed-gear police bicycles for all mounted officers. The fixed-gear Bianchi models will come equipped with a water bottle holder specially modified to fit a PBR tallboy. Police say the bikes will allow them to better blend into the neighborhood and catch criminals in the act. “Our mustachioed officers are already quite well camouflaged in hipster neighborhoods like Williamsburg and Greenpoint,” Chief Tom Carpaccio will say to reporters. “These fixies will make us virtually invisible.” The BPD will also take the opportunity to reveal experimental V-neck body armor designed by American Apparel. Shortly after, the number of officers killed by bullet wounds to the sternum will quadruple.
Sports
Romeo Crennel Killing It in His Fantasy League, Ironically
KANSIS CITY, Mo. — Chiefs Head Coach Romeo Crennel will reveal to reporters that though Kansas City is an abysmal 1-5 in regular season play, he is totally dominating his fantasy football league. “I’m just making all the right calls, benching underperformers, picking up sleepers,” Crennel will say. “I just wish I could manage the Chiefs this well.” The key to Crennel’s success seems to be the lack of Chiefs players on his fantasy team. “Rac’s a stand-up guy,” league-mate Dan Teller will confide to friends, “but I kind of think he’s spiking his real team. I can’t figure out his angle though. It’s like if Pete Rose was just in it for the bragging rights.”
