Weekly Fast Forward – The News Before It Happens

Society

Call of Duty Online to Uncover Rampant Sexual Contact Between Twelve-Year Olds, Nation’s Mothers
Just a week after the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, players will be stunned by the apparent widespread and on-going sexual contact between their teenage opponents and the nation’s mothers. “I had no idea how many kids had fucked my mom until I started playing Team Deathmatch online,” Black Ops player HelenKiller69 will confide to Newslo. “All of a sudden tons of guys are admitting serious—and criminal—sexual acts with her. Stuff like ‘I’m gonna bang your mom, big time!’ and ‘I just got back from your mom’s house so I’m a little tired.’” And HelenKiller69 will be far from alone. Police will be looking into reports of alleged child-molestation by mothers, sisters, and sometimes even grandmothers around the country. “It really is mind-boggling,” Atlanta Police Chief Jay Marquez will tell reporters. “The phenomenon seems completely localized within the online gaming community.” Other players will be floored by the news that they, unbeknownst to themselves, are homosexuals and/or African American.


Politics

Obama Will Allow Bitter States to Secede
In an unprecedented political move, President Barack Obama will grant his blessing to states wishing to secede from the Union. Since his re-election more than 20 states have submitted petitions to the White House seeking permission to secede, but few thought the Chief Executive would allow these measures to go through. “Good fucking riddance,” Obama will say in a Rose Garden press conference. “Republicans don’t want to be a part of this country anymore? Big deal. Don’t let the purple mountains majesty hit you on the ass on the way out.” Few states will be as excited as Mississippi, where Obama will personally help pack the moving boxes. “We’ll miss your humiliating literacy and obesity rates,” Obama will mock. “Have a great time legalizing bestiality and beating up queers in your own country. Now we can finally get something done in this one.”


New York

Pigeon Eating Sbarro to Remind Aspiring Actress Why She Came to the Big City
Upon viewing a rabid, one-winged pigeon struggle to drag a slice of Sbarro cheese pizza into a Times Square sewer, aspiring Broadway dancer Amber Tyler (formerly Amber Wozniak) will be reminded why she came to the Big Apple in the first place. “New York has such a magic to it,” Tyler will say after seeing the unnatural act largely banal to jaded Manhattan residents. “I came to the city with big dreams, big hopes, and the desire to see the kinds of upsetting degradation that would blacken most men’s souls. And every day this city delivers.” Later that day, Tyler will sigh happily upon seeing a blind man ejected from a moving taxi into a puddle. “Why would you want to live anywhere else?”


Sports

Competitive Spelling World to be Rocked by Steroid Allegations
With the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee just months away, the competitive spelling circuit will be both shocked and confused by new allegations that dominant force Prutosh Semkar has resorted to steroid use. “If these allegations are true,” spelling bee aficionado Shel Vonders will write in an unpublished op-ed to the New York Times, “I’m not sure what it means. That should have no impact on a child’s ability to spell words. But it seems icky nonetheless.” Prustosh’s parents will deny allegations the horse pills they acquired through a Mexican eBay subsidiary are being given to their son. “Prustosh’s unrivaled success can be attributed to his mastery of Latin roots. And if he’s packing on mass, he’s just at that age where Pakistani children get ripped. Case closed.”


Media

Patraeus Will Admit to Sex Acts with Autobiographer
Disgraced four- star general and former CIA Director David Patraeus will add new fuel to his recent sex scandal by admitting that he has exchanged sexual favors with his autobiographer. “In order to move on, I must come clean about what I’ve done,” Patraeus will tearfully tell a group of reporters. “At several times throughout my career, I have engaged in hand-to-genital touching with my person. And I have even attempted oral sex with my autobiographer, but was incapable of completing the act.” Several in the military community will rush to Patraeus’ defense, insisting that the flexibility required for such an act with one’s self is impossible, and thus is not an indication of the general’s short-comings.