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Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics:

Biden to Hit Embarrassing Gaffe Grand-Slam
COLUMBUS, Ohio — The Obama Campaign will be in damage control mode Tuesday after Vice President Joe Biden makes four humiliating gaffes in one public appearance—history’s first ever “Biden Slam.” After endorsing President “Barack Osama,” Biden will reportedly bow to a half- Korean journalist and give a lengthy description of a recent experience with ecstasy. To complete the cycle, Biden will admit he’s not quite sure what a filibuster is, but vows to “reform whatever they are.” Biden will, however, win the crowd back when he forgets the words to “America the Beautiful” and replaces them with Journey lyrics.


Media:

Man on Six Hour Layover Can’t Take Any More Nancy Grace
CHICAGO — A piece of Pete McCellan’s soul will die Wednesday after being subjected to six straight hours of CNN’s Headline News while on a layover at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Around hour two of the network’s Nancy Grace marathon, McClellan will become antsy and begin to scratch at imagined itches. After returning with a slice from Sbarro, McClellan will be crushed to discover Grace’s grating voice is still being played through commercial strength speakers. “Isn’t there a remote for that thing?” McClellan will plead with a Southwest Airlines worker. “If I have to hear another minute of coverage about one missing white girl in Pasadena, I won’t be responsible for my actions.” Security will be called around hour five, when McClellan begins insisting to other passengers that they are trapped in an existentialist play.


Entertainment:

Nation Will Come to Grinding Halt After Louis CK Drops What Now Seems Like Obvious Truth Bomb
NEW YORK — After a set at the Comedy Cellar Thursday, comedian Louis CK, known for his stark yet insightful stand-up, will bring the entire eastern seaboard to a cathartic and introspective stand-still with a bit that simultaneously shames and inspires the nation to change in fundamental ways. “I… I just never thought of it like that,” your neighbors will say in hushed awe, as they consider their opaque lack of self-awareness. “What a dick I’ve been,” you’ll think, amazed you didn’t realize it all along. Three days later CK himself will snap the nation out of its self-reflective trance with five minutes of material about his misshapen balls.


Sports:

Nation Stunned by Reasonable Explanation for Athlete’s Dominance
BOSTON — Sports fans across the nation will for some reason be stunned by Friday’s revelation that inexplicably powerful Red Sox slugger David Ortiz used steroids. Fans of the game will once again go through stages of shock and disbelief at the idea that a person who gained muscle mass at a super-human rate and failed various drug tests, did in fact use human growth hormone. “I just can’t believe it’s true,” your coworkers will say around the water-cooler, despite the fact that this admission is the only rational explanation for Ortiz’s unparalleled power and size. No one will learn anything from this incident, and everyone will be just as surprised next year when Lance Armstrong admits he corked his bike.


Society:

Voyeur Will Insist He is “Masturbating Anthropologist”
PITTSBURGH — After being apprehended with binoculars and a telephoto lens outside the home of Becky and Pierce Sanders, a local Peeping Tom, Dan Potter, will insist to police that he is not “a sex pervert” but merely a “masturbating anthropologist.” In the police report, Potter will claim to be researching for a book on the sexual habits of couples who live at 513 Maple Ct., as evidenced by his copious photos. To explain his need to pleasure himself while “doing research,” Potter will suggest he is a participant observer, like Jane Goodall, “except with a boner.”

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