NEW YORK – New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has come to the conclusion that after a two week span in which it was revealed that he lied about ending his online dalliances with women and that a campaign spokesman called a former intern a “slutbag,” his sudden drop in the polls can be explained by his failure to effectively communicate his message of middle class job growth.
After looking at the numbers, which show him at fourth place in the Democratic primary with 16% support, Weiner called his staff together for a strategy meeting. “OK – if this tells me anything, it’s that we’re not getting our message about affordable housing out to the general public,” Weiner reportedly told his staff, spreading papers out over the empty place next to him at the conference table where his former campaign manager, who resigned last weekend rather than answer to a man who referred to himself as Carlos Danger in online sex chats, once sat.
“After that, I want everyone here to focus their energy on figuring out how we can make New York a more friendly place for families, and let’s really target moms here –that’s key,” said the candidate, who has effectively relegated his wife, a highly educated mother and former aide to Hillary Clinton, into a humiliated mute campaign prop.
As the meeting wrapped up, Weiner attempted to rally his staff. “Is everyone psyched about bringing a new positive era to New York City?” As aides mumbled something that resembled an affirmative and glanced suspiciously at one another, Weiner continued: “Then let’s go out and meet our public!” Outside, reporters were waiting, hoping for Weiner to comment news that a spokesman for his campaign called a former female intern critical of his operation “a cunt” and “a twat.”
Before exiting the building, however, Weiner received ”an important text message.” According to sources, he grabbed a box of tissues and some moisturizer, excused himself and entered his office, locking the door behind him.
On an unrelated note, in the race for Comptroller, New Yorkers have warmed to the idea of putting the city’s finances in the hands of a man who routinely paid over $1000 an hour for prostitutes.