Weiner Popularity Surges over Kitten Issue

NEW YORK — Democratic candidate for New York City mayor Anthony Weiner enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after taking a strong stance on the divisive “kitten issue.” According to his campaign, Weiner hopes to continue his success by refocusing his platform around what has become the key issue of the 2013 election: saving kittens.

Last week, a New York subway line was shut down for two hours in order to rescue a pair of kittens from the tracks. In an inspiring display of its willingness to ask the tough questions,the Daily Intelligencer asked New York’s mayoral candidates about how they would have addressed the situation.

The response from Weiner’s campaign was boldly unequivocal: “If Anthony is elected mayor, he will not only stop trains for kittens, he will personally crawl over the third rail to do it.”

Weiner’s popularity in the polls then surged, catapulting him to the lead among the Democratic candidates.

“For too long, we have allowed these adorable creatures be run over by the trains and cars and sometimes motorcycles,” said Weiner at a recent press conference. “As mayor, if I see ever see a kitten trapped at an intersection, I will personally cause a car accident in order to save its life.”

In response to Weiner’s revised message, candidates from both parties have begun campaigning about their willingness to save kittens.

“Chris would have stopped the trains for the kitties,” said Christine Quinn’s campaign. “This is because our candidate supports all New York kittizens, as well as their right to choose.”

Although Republican front-runner Joe Lhota’s campaign originally said that “Joe does not think a train line should be shut down [to save kittens],” Lhota later altered his response.

“If elected, I would not only shut down a train for two hours, I would shut down the entire subway system all day to make sure that there were no other kittens on any of the other tracks,” Lhota said, adding that he would also “personally search the tracks with [his] bare hands.”

According to recent polls, 46 percent of likely Democratic voters currently support Weiner over his Democratic opponents. Of those, 57 percent are pleased that he has drawn such a hard line on the “kitten issue,” while 34 percent admit that they privately refer to Weiner’s cause as the “pussy issue.”