Weiner, Spitzer Nurse Primary Losses With Sexting Binge and Hookers

NEW YORK — In the wake of their defeats in Tuesday’s Democratic primary election, former Democratic stars, Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer made plans to drown their sorrows in a 24-hour sexting binge and whore-fest, respectively.

“I just don’t understand it,” said former Representative Weiner, who came in a distant 5th place in the primary for Mayor. He scored less than 5% of the vote in his attempt to return to politics after he resigned in 2011 after it became known that he had sent sexually explicit images via cell phone to women. The ‘sexting’ scandal came to be known as Weinergate. “I was the shining beacon of the Democratic party. A personal friend of The Daily Show’s John Stewart. I fought for the people! The definition of the fighting liberal! Why didn’t they vote for me?”

He then sighed and shoved his smartphone down his pants to Instagram a photo of his genitals to random women with the subject heading of ‘Little Tony Is Having a Sad.’

Former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer fared better in his race to become New York City’s Comptroller, but still ultimately lost, 52-48 to Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer. “It’s still a little hard to swallow,” said Spitzer, who was forced to resign as Governor in 2008 after he was exposed as having been a repeat client of a prostitution ring run as an elite escort service by Emperors Club VIP. “I really thought the City had forgiven me my transgressions. I spent my career fighting for the common man and putting the screws on Wall Street during my tenure as Attorney General. But in the end my predilection for having large amounts of heterosexual sex with consenting adults for money proved to be my undoing.”

Spitzer then excused himself from the press conference, saying the clock had already started on a 24-hour VIP Backstage Pass to the Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club on Riverside Drive he’d just purchased online.

Asked if Tuesdays losses were a sign that voters really do care about a candidate’s moral character, Democratic Political Commentator James Carville said it depended on the circumstances. “Spitzer and Weiner’s real mistake wasn’t getting caught in a sex scandal, it was getting caught in a sex scandal while being a Democrat,” he explained. “Look at Diaper Dave Vitter, look at Appalachian Trail Mark Sanford. The world knows they’re deviants and they still get elected.”

“Yes Sir,” he added. “If you’re gonna get your freak on but want to stay in politics, you need to be a Republican.”