Weiner to Stay in Race, Hopes to ‘Meet New Sexting Pals’

NEW YORK — Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has announced that he will continue his bid to become the next mayor of NYC, even after a second online “sexting” scandal has marred his chances in that election. Weiner said he recognizes that he “probably won’t win the election,” but decided to stay in the race to “meet a few more tight little hunnies to chat with.”

Weiner—who was forced to resign from his seat in the U.S. House of Representatives in 2011 after a similar scandal—said that thus far his candidacy has brought him “a whole lot of attention, which really helps a guy meet women.” “Frankly, I never wanted to be mayor in the first place. Who’s got the time to worry about a city of eight million people when there’s so many hot and horny chicks just waiting for you online?”

Weiner admitted that he’s never had much of an interest in politics, since “committee meetings and press conferences have so few boobs,” but said he learned years ago that a political career could help him “score some serious digital poo-nanny.”

“As long as I’m running for office, I’m still technically a politician,” Weiner said. “Which, for reasons I cannot explain, seems to attract the ladies.”

This is the second time that Weiner has been saved from the “hassle of actually governing” by a scandal involving his inappropriate behavior online. In 2011, he was discovered to have been sending graphic photos of himself to women he met on the internet, which eventually cost him his congressional seat, once he finally admitted to his actions. Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin—former traveling chief of staff to Hillary Clinton— said she’s just as baffled by Weiner’s repeated acts of virtual infidelity as the voters. “I mean, look at me: I’m seriously, objectively hot,” Abedin told Newslo. “But unless there’s an LCD screen in front of him, Anthony just can’t get a boner.”

“It’s sad,” Abedin added. “And totally his loss.”

Weiner said he understands that his career in New York politics is likely ruined by the twin scandals, but promised that he would continue running for office, somewhere. ”I hear there’s a school board election coming up in Hobart, Indiana,” Weiner mused. “That should at least help me meet some MILF-y soccer moms, and hopefully their kids will have taught them how to use Twitter by now.”