White House Accidentally Outs CIA Agent Hamid Karzai

BAGRAM, Afghanistan — A surprise Memorial Day visit to Bagram Air Force base quickly turned into the latest foreign policy blunder of the Obama administration Monday, when a White House press release revealed the cover of CIA operative Hamid Karzai, current president of Afghanistan. The gaffe has shattered Karzai’s international image as a corrupt and malcontent warlord, replacing it with that of a loyal CIA asset with an impeccable service record.

Karzai’s name appeared on a list of attendees requested by White House officials for the president’s visit, wherein he was referred to as “Chief of Station,” an intelligence industry term used for the top spy in a country. Further exasperating the blunder, the White House also released, unredacted, Karzai’s CIA service jacket, complete with details describing his initial recruitment by the agency in 1998, the agency’s role in installing Karzai as president in 2001, as well as Washington’s efforts to stymie political opposition to his rule.

When it was revealed last year that Karzai had received tens of millions of dollars in black cash from the CIA, “we should have known something was up,” said MSNBC political analyst Ken Waters. “At the time, however, we figured it was your run-of-the-mill political bribery. We had no idea that the money was actually his operating budget for the year.”

“It appears that everything Karzai has done—electoral fraud, connections with oil companies, public spats with the American government, involvement in the opium trade—these were not, as previously thought, the selfish whims of a third-world strongman, but actually marching orders from Langley,” said Waters. “And it appears he followed them relentlessly and flawlessly.”

An anonymous source inside the military called the revelation “pretty obvious.”

“I mean, how could a politician be that incompetent and still be in power” the source asked. “Either the guy was working for us the whole time, or he had some seriously dirty laundry on everyone in Washington. Come to think of it, this is a pretty good explanation for all the assassination attempts too.”

The White House declined comment on the disclosure. It was unclear whether or how the disclosure would affect attitudes towards Karzai and his government, which are already incredibly low.