WASHINGTON — Despite repeated promises to close and shutter the doors at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center at the naval base of the same name, the Obama Administration has instead begun to head in the opposite direction, and has now approved a multimillion-dollar renovation for the aging facility.
“This administration was built in part on a promise to stop the actions and holding of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, and we very much are dedicated to doing as such.” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said in his weekly press address. “But from the way that the facility has aged, the resale value is next to nothing. Drastic measures must be undertaken if this administration is to not only fulfill its promise of ridding the American people of Guantanamo, but to also make a little scratch off the deal as well.”
“We want whoever takes Guantanamo Bay off of our hands to be happy with their purchase,” Carney continued. “When buying a new covert military base and detention facility, one must take into consideration a few things, like the neighborhood, taxes, and the number of mines in the surrounding landscape. It’s the little things like that, and this housing market is still a tough place to settle down in.”
Initial reports put the renovation costs for Guantanamo Bay at upwards of $150 million, with a $40 million fiber-optic network to be laid down, a state of the art medical facility to be built, and a fully furnished and outfitted dining hall and mess area.
“We’re confident that when people get a look at what Guantanamo is really all about, they’ll fall in love, and want to be a part of it,” Army Lt. Col. Todd Breasseale, a spokesman for the Guantanamo military commissions said. “You don’t come across a base like this every day.”
At an open house event in the Detention Center, representatives and prospective buyers ranged from the United Kingdom and France, to Russia and Brazil, to lesser world powers such as Basque Separatist Group and known terrorist organization, ETA.
“It’s just nice to have some recognition, you know,” said a masked figure who claimed to be the leader of ETA. “The base is nice. I thought they were closing this place, but wow, what a deal! I’m glad they didn’t, they really fixed it up. It even comes pre-furnished with new recruits!”
Some delegates were overheard commenting on what shade of paint they could adorn the walls with, proper décor for a black operations facility, and referenced the emaciated and gaunt figures of some of the inmates in the facility with guffaws and open mouths, before saying how nice a cashmere rug would look in the Captain’s Quarters.