WASHINGTON — In a statement released today, the White House revealed the process by which individuals are added to the so-called “Kill List,” a controversial list of suspected terrorists and insurgents who are singled out for extrajudicial assassination—rather than capture and prosecution—because of their perceived threat to national security. The process, which is being variously called “ludicrous” and “genius,” bears a striking resemblance to the popular children’s birthday-party game, Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
“We cover a wall in the Situation Room with pictures,” the statement read. “And then we blindfold someone—usually John Brennan (that old coot really gets a kick out of it). Then the person blindly places a crosshairs sticker wherever feels right to them. The face it’s stuck on… well, let’s just say you don’t wanna be that person.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said, “Yes, you could look at it that way—essentially it’s a more sophisticated, and deadly, version of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.”
Until now, the Obama Administration has refused to make public their criteria for targeting individuals for assassination, which is technically illegal under international law. But under sustained pressure from civil liberties groups and private citizens calling for more transparency convinced officials that certain aspects of the program—which has led to the killing by drone attack of at least three American citizens on foreign lands, as well as perhaps hundreds of innocent bystanders—needed to be explained.
“From day one we’ve pledged our commitment to transparency in government,” the White House said. “This is just one more step to fulfilling that promise.”
A source present at many of the “list-making meetings” said the process is “a real romp.” “Every time Biden’s the chooser he misses the wall completely,” the source explained. “He wanders off in the totally wrong direction, bumping into chairs, tripping over cords. And oh my gosh, this one time he actually pinned the crosshairs on Leon Panetta’s rear-end. We were cracking up so hard. Leon looked scared for a minute—he actually almost passed out—but eventually we told him we’d just do a do-over. Man-oh-man—good times!”