White House Promises to Resurrect Citizens Who Die Waiting for Obamacare Website

WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration today announced a new plan to bring uninsured Americans back from the dead who die waiting for the glitch-plagued Obamacare website to function properly. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that the Administration is currently employing a “team of the best contractors in the world” to work on finding a way to reanimate deceased Americans, and said the program is slated to begin operations “sometime in 2014.”

Carney, speaking to reporters on Friday, said that members of the so-called “Project Lazarus” are “very close” to perfecting a method of raising the dead, but declined to offer specific details. “Obviously, this is sensitive information,” Carney said. “We can’t comment on the actual process, because otherwise someone might use it to bring back Hitler or Michael Jackson, which would be a true nightmare.”

Carney acknowledged that technical problems associated with the federal government’s health care exchange website have prevented thousands of uninsured people from purchasing coverage they need, and declined to challenge data indicating that perhaps 20,000 Americans die each year because they do not have health insurance.

“Is the website’s total failure killing people? Probably, yes,” Carney admitted. “But we promise: they won’t be dead for long.”

On Thursday, several contractors hired to design Heathcare.gov—the so-called Obamacare website—testified before congress about the site’s malfunctions, but largely blamed one another and the government for the problems.

“Squabbling over who’s to blame for this fiasco isn’t going to get us anywhere,” said Rep. Frank Pallone (D-NJ). “The best thing to do is be patient and let the experts fix the website, and then bring all the people who died in the meantime back from the dead. Obviously.”

The Republican Party has yet to take a position on Project Lazarus, but insiders say that GOP leaders are nervous about “putting all those poor people back on the voter rolls,” and will fight to delay the plan’s implementation until after the 2014 midterm elections.

“We’ve maintained all along that Obamacare will kill people,” said one congressional aide. “And it turns out we were right. But if those deaths are only temporary, it’s really going to hurt our credibility.”