WASHINGTON — Insider sources confirm that, in an effort to balance the federal government’s budget, the White House is considering a plan to levy a small tax on seditious and treasonous statements, particularly those made via social media and online “comments” sections. In exchange for faithful payment of said tax, sources say the Executive Branch will “look the other way,” and refrain from prosecuting those who advocate the violent overthrow of the federal government, a crime normally punishable by up to 20 years in prison.
“Listen. We know what it’s like online,” one source told Newslo. “Like yours, our news feeds are clogged with people threatening to resort to ‘second-amendment solutions,’ people insinuating that ‘they’re ready’ to revolt, or implying that they’d like to see the president or the whole of congress dead. Seriously, it’s like a Tourette’s Syndrome support meeting, except they never break for coffee.”
The plan would “make the best of the public’s hard-on for half-assed insurrection” by asking those who call for the government to be toppled, its buildings set ablaze, and its officials murdered to pay a modest tax for each instance of borderline-sedition. Proposed rates reportedly range from twenty-five cents to three dollars per statement, but the White House believes that the sheer, overwhelming volume of such speech will add up to significant revenue.
“Our data shows that someone publicly incites violence against the federal government roughly every .007 seconds,” a source said. “And that’s just on The Drudge Report alone.”
“We’re talking like, billions of dollars per annum, all told. Think of how quickly we could fix the deficit and get back to the work of securing America’s future,” the source added.
The White House sees another silver-lining in its plan. “We’re aware that virtually any new tax really, really pisses these folks off, and actually increases seditious ideation and expression. In that sense, it’s a perfect source of revenue generation—a tax that actually increases the behavior being taxed.”
Officials admit that the tax would not be easy to implement, as it would likely face strong opposition in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives. Indeed, upon learning that White House may push for a new tax, Representative Jeff Duncan (R-SC), speaking on behalf of the Tea Party Caucus, said in a statement, “No frickin’ way we’ll let this happen. Me and my M-16 won’t allow it, if you know what I mean.”
